A therapist told Amy Kaufman she had created a monster. A friend said her daughter should be afraid of her. Her daughter would scream cruel words, then cry, “I don’t know why I said that.” Amy did not believe the monster story. Your child isn’t broken, their brain is learning differently.
FROM THE VIDEO
Key moments from Kate Brownfield’s podcast interview with author Amy Kaufman:
- 03:56Sam screamed cruel words, then said she did not know why. Amy saw a child who did not stop the words in time.
- 06:39The turning point was a teacher with a son a lot like Sam. She asked Amy to get her tested again.
- 29:47Three of four teachers never followed Sam’s 504 plan. One did not know where she was meant to sit.
Common questions from parents
Is my child saying cruel things on purpose?
Who diagnoses ADHD, and is there a test?
How do I know teachers are following the 504 plan?
Everyone says it is sibling rivalry or my parenting. What should I do?
Understanding the Unique Nature of ADHD in Children
Research shows that every child with ADHD is unique, with individual strengths and struggles that require personalized approaches. Understanding this individuality is crucial for parents and caregivers as they navigate the complexities of supporting their child. For instance, Amy Kaufman, a parent and author, shares her journey with her daughter Sam in her memoir, highlighting how Sam’s behaviors were distinct from her sister Dana, who did not have ADHD.
Many families discover that what works for one child with ADHD may not work for another. This realization underscores the importance of tailoring strategies and interventions to fit the specific needs of each child. Amy’s story illustrates the necessity of patience and persistence in finding the right approach, as her daughter’s journey to diagnosis took a decade, emphasizing the need for a personalized understanding of ADHD.
Three of her four teachers never followed her 504 plan. One did not know where she was meant to sit. Getting the plan is step one. Here is step two.
Is she playing me, or does she not stop in time?
Amy’s daughter, Sam, would yell, “I hate you.” Two minutes later she would say, “I don’t know why I said that. I love you.” Amy saw a child who did not stop the words in time. She did not see a child who meant them.
The CDC describes ADHD as trouble paying attention, controlling impulses, or being overly active. It explains impulsive behavior as acting without thinking about the result. That is a description of ADHD. It is not a verdict on one child. Still, it fits what Amy saw. Think of a child who cries “I love you” two minutes after the yelling. To us, that does not look like a child playing you.
Have you been told you caused this? Read this one-page look at blame and daily structure. Do big feelings run your evenings? The Overly Emotional Child is a free course on meltdowns and big feelings.
Not on purpose does not mean no limits. Amy chose structure and buy-in, not fear. Later, when Sam’s grades slid, they wrote a short contract together. It held a few shared promises, like going for extra help. Sam’s grades climbed. She told her mom, “I didn’t try harder for me, I tried harder for you and dad.” In time, she did it for herself.
A plan on paper does nothing if no one reads it.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
Why does no one believe me when I say something is wrong?
Amy sensed it early. For years, teachers, therapists and doctors called it sibling rivalry. Sam’s older sister was the total opposite. Then one teacher spoke up. She had a son a lot like Sam. She asked, “Are you sure she doesn’t have ADD? Maybe get her tested again.”
That one question opened the door. It makes sense once you know how ADHD gets diagnosed. The CDC says there is no single test. A provider asks parents, teachers and other adults about the child. They ask about home, school and friends. A 2019 guideline from the American Academy of Pediatrics goes further. It asks for signs and real trouble in more than one major setting. What you see at home is part of the picture. So is what a teacher sees.
The process also includes a medical exam, with hearing and vision tests. That rules out other problems. A psychologist, a psychiatrist or a pediatrician makes the diagnosis. A professional evaluation is the route to a 504 plan or an IEP. Our page on attention trouble and ADHD explains what else to check.
Amy’s first specialist moved fast and left her overwhelmed. So she called her pediatrician. A doctor in that office knew ADHD well, and the next steps felt calmer. A second look is a fair thing to ask for. You saw it first. Trust that.
Key takeaways
- Impulsive has a plain meaning: The CDC calls it acting without thinking about the result.
- Your notes from home count: Providers ask parents and teachers about home, school and friends.
- A signed plan is step one: Check that every teacher follows the 504 plan.
What do I do when the school ignores the 504 plan?
Sam had a 504 plan. It said she would sit near the teacher and get extra time on tests. At her exit meeting, Amy learned the truth. Three of her four teachers had not followed it. One did not even know where Sam was meant to sit. Once, a teacher yelled at Sam to sit down and stop talking. Sam was absent that day.
Later, the assistant superintendent told Amy she had opened the school’s eyes. The school had a problem with how it served kids who struggle with focus. It came too late for Sam. That is the system failure. A plan on paper does nothing if no one reads it. Getting the plan is step one. Making it real is the job. Still at step one? Here is how to get a 504 plan started.
Here is how to check that a plan is being followed:
- Meet each teacher. Ask them to tell you what the plan says, in their own words.
- Ask plain questions. Where does she sit? When does she get the extra time?
- Ask your child. What happens in each class on a test day?
- Write it down. Note dates, names and what you heard.
- Ask for a meeting. Go to the school’s 504 coordinator if a teacher is not following it.
Sam’s story kept going. Once, she told her mom, “It’s not easy being me.” Years later she said, “There’s no one else I’d rather be.” Amy’s own view is that unconditional love is what saved their relationship.
To us, cruel words and fast tears don’t look like a child playing you.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
You want your child understood at home. You want a school that keeps its word. Nobody will ever advocate for your child as hard as you will. The problem is a system that signs a plan and never checks it. Start tonight with Focus Foundations. It is our free PDF guide for parents of children who struggle with focus.
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Your school district must evaluate your child free of charge if you ask in writing, whatever your income and whatever the outcome (US, 34 CFR 300.111 and 300.301(b)). That route takes time and answers a different question than you do. This one starts today, from what you already know.
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A screener is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If your child might need formal accommodations (an IEP or 504 plan), or you suspect a vision, hearing or medical cause, pursue a professional evaluation too. That is the only route to those supports.
