It gets called talking back. To us, much of it is a child trying to disagree without knowing how. You say no to the sleepover. Two minutes later, the fight is about who is in charge. Nobody planned that, and yours is not the only house where it happens.
Common questions from parents
Isn’t letting my child argue back teaching disrespect?
What if my child won’t give a reason?
Do I-messages stop arguments?
How do I use this when homework turns into a standoff?
The fight started over a sleepover. Two minutes later it was about who is in charge. One sentence shape is built to keep the argument on the idea.
Why does a small no turn into a big fight?
Listen to the words in the middle of a fight. "You never listen." "You always do this." "You are being silly." Each one is about the person, not the plan.
Here is what we see. Once the person is the point, your child stops standing up for the idea. Now she is standing up for herself. So are you. Each reply goes up a step. The sleepover is long gone.
Under it sits an old belief. If we disagree, someone is wrong. So push-back has to be shut down. We see it the other way. Disagreeing well is a skill, and skills are taught.
Our view is that school is one place kids pick up the old belief. In 1986, a review by Rowe looked at how teachers ask questions. Teachers usually waited only a moment for an answer. To us, kids learn a lesson from that. The fast right answer wins. A pause, or a different idea, looks like being wrong. Then they bring that lesson home to your kitchen.
Disagreeing well is a skill, and skills are taught.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
What does it sound like to argue about the idea?
You don’t need a credential to be your child’s first teacher. You already are one. The only question is whether you have the right tools. Here is one tool for arguing.
Classroom debate uses a simple shape. Say what you think. Then say why. Teachers call it a claim and a reason. Some math teachers use it to run whole-class debates. We wrote about getting a silent child talking in math class. At home, the shape looks like this:
- Say your claim and your reason. "I think bedtime stays at 8:30, because you were tired all week."
- Ask for theirs in the same shape. "What do you think, and why?"
- Talk about the reasons, not each other. "Being tired is my reason. Missing the end of the show is yours. Let’s look at both."
Now you are both looking at the idea, not at each other. To us, that is the whole shift. The goal stops being to win. It becomes finding the better idea.
You still make the call. To us, the shape helps your child hear your reason. It does not make you right. It does not give your child a vote on everything.
A second tool comes from Thomas Gordon’s 1970 book, Parent Effectiveness Training. He called it an I-message. "I get worried when homework waits until nine" is one. "You always leave it too late" is its opposite. Gordon taught that the first is easier to hear. It is not magic. Gordon’s own training group warns that I-messages are not foolproof. Used over and over, they backfire. And blame still sneaks into "I" sentences. "I think you’re selfish" is a you-message in disguise.
Key takeaways
- Keep the person out of it: To us, "You never" pulls you both off the idea.
- Use a claim and a reason: Say what you think and why. Ask your child for the same.
- You still make the call: The shape changes how you argue. The decision stays yours.
How do you use it at dinner, with siblings and over homework?
At dinner, practice when nothing is at stake. Pick a silly question. Is a hot dog a sandwich? What is the best pizza topping? Everyone gives a claim and a reason. Then the shape is already familiar when a real argument comes up.
Between siblings, judge the reasons, not the kids. Ask each child the same two questions. What do you want? Why? Now the deal is about reasons. Nobody has to be the bad one.
Over homework, treat the push-back as a claim. "This is pointless" is a claim, so ask for the reason. Sometimes the reason under it is "I don’t know how to start." That is a different problem, and a workable one. Our page on ending the homework battle covers the half hour before it.
Math has the same shape built in. "I think it is 12, because 3 groups of 4 is 12." A reason gives you something to talk about besides the answer.
Before you answer, pause. Take a breath and let the quiet sit. Tobin reviewed classroom studies in 1987. When teachers waited longer, the talk in the room changed. That was whole classes, mostly in science, not one child at home. Still, a pause is easy to try.
None of this ends every fight. Some nights everyone is tired, and it goes badly anyway. To us, that does not make you a bad parent. The shape gives you a way back in next time. Is staying steady the hard part? Here is a one-page look at staying steady.
Tonight: ask one silly question at dinner. Give your own claim and reason first, out loud. Let your child hear the shape before you ask for it.
Now you are both looking at the idea, not at each other.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
You want a child who says what she thinks, and why. You also want to stay close. An old habit gets in the way. It treats a different idea as a wrong answer, in class and at home. You get to teach the other way, one dinner at a time. For something to read tonight, get Focus Foundations. It is our free PDF for parents of kids who push back on homework.
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