Your child closes the book halfway down the page. Then comes the quiet line: “I’m not smart.” It lands hard, and it stays with you long after bedtime. You know it is not true. You do not know how to make them believe it. You are not alone in this.
Common questions from parents
How do I explain growth mindset to my child?
What is neuroplasticity, in words a child understands?
Is it bad to tell my child they are smart?
Will a growth mindset help my child read better?
When a struggling reader says "I'm not smart," name the skill, not the child. Then aim the practice right at it.
What does this infographic say about a reader who feels not smart?
This infographic is for a parent whose child struggles to read. The child has decided they are not smart. The infographic puts two ideas side by side. First, the brain gets better at the exact skill it practices. Second, growth mindset: reading grows with effort, good strategies and the right teaching. Here is the rest, in plain words:
- The power of yet: “I can’t read” becomes “I can’t read this yet.”
- The trap: A child works hard and still struggles. They take it as proof they are not smart. They pull back, practice less, and reading gets harder.
- What moves reading: Practice aimed at one specific skill. The brain gets better at what it works on. Progress shows up in that skill first.
- Skill, not identity: Call the hard part a skill to practice, not a trait. That gives a child a reason to pick the book back up.
- Four things to do: Say “yet” out loud. Count the effort apart from the result. Praise trying, strategy and sticking with it. Let your child see you work at something hard.
It ends with a simple line. Your child’s brain is not finished, and neither is their reading.
Struggling to read says nothing about how smart your child is.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
Why does my child think struggling to read means they are not smart?
Reading has to be taught. Children pick up talking by being around it. There is no reading instinct to fall back on. So a child who has not been taught a skill well will struggle. Struggling to read says nothing about how smart your child is. The two were never the same thing. Read more on missed teaching versus dyslexia.
Your child does not see it that way. They watch classmates read with ease and draw their own conclusion. “I’m bad at reading” is not a description. It’s a prediction your child is making about their own future. When they pull back from reading, they get less practice. Less practice makes reading harder, and that feels like more proof. To us, that is a child protecting themselves from one more bad moment. Here is more on a child who has decided they are bad at reading.
What about the brain side? Practice builds the pathways for reading. Yale researchers scanned children before and after a year of reading teaching (Shaywitz and colleagues, 2004). Afterward, their reading areas worked more like those of typical readers. The wider picture is mixed, though. A 2022 review of 39 studies found no one pattern they all share (Perdue and colleagues). So we keep it plain. A child gets better at the skill they practice.
Key takeaways
- Name the skill: Turn "I'm not smart" into one skill your child is still learning.
- Aim the practice: Your child gets better at the exact skill they practice.
- Praise the process: Praise trying and strategy, not being smart.
What do I say when my child says “I’m not smart”?
Name the skill, not the child. “Not smart” is about who your child is. “Long vowel sounds are still tricky” is about a skill. A skill is something you practice. Then aim the practice right at that skill. Here are three ways to target the exact sounds your child is missing.
Add yet out loud. “You haven’t got this yet” keeps a door open. Say it plainly, then go back to the work.
Praise the work, not the brain. Praise trying, a good strategy and sticking with it. Skip “You’re so smart.” Mueller and Dweck (1998) ran a set of lab studies. Children praised for being smart gave up sooner after a hard task. Children praised for effort kept going. Those were short lab sessions, not homes. Our view is that the same holds at your kitchen table. For words to use, see phrases that build a child up.
Count the effort on hard days. Name the work apart from the result. “You kept reading even when it was hard” is a win.
Let your child see you struggle. Try something hard where your child sees you. Get it wrong. Keep going. Get a little better.
Keep mindset in its place. In our view, mindset helps a child keep going. It does not teach reading. On average, mindset lessons lift grades only a little (Sisk and colleagues, 2018). Teaching is what builds the reading. So do both: kind words and real practice on the exact skill.
A national experiment found a short mindset program raised grades a little for lower-achieving students. It worked only in schools where classmates backed taking on hard work. – Yeager and colleagues, Nature, 2019
“Not smart” is about who your child is. A tricky sound is a skill to practice.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
Our view: a child who struggles to read is still learning, not lacking. The old way waits for a child to fail, then calls it a ceiling. You don’t need a credential to be your child’s first teacher. You already are one. Start with the words you use tonight. Our free program on praise and effort language is here: the Growth Mindset Program.
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Your school district must evaluate your child free of charge if you ask in writing, whatever your income and whatever the outcome (US, 34 CFR 300.111 and 300.301(b)). That route takes time and answers a different question than you do. This one starts today, from what you already know.
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A screener is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If your child might need formal accommodations (an IEP or 504 plan), or you suspect a vision, hearing or medical cause, pursue a professional evaluation too. That is the only route to those supports.
References
- Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33-52.
- Sisk, V. F., Burgoyne, A. P., Sun, J., Butler, J. L., & Macnamara, B. N. (2018). To what extent and under which circumstances are growth mind-sets important to academic achievement? Two meta-analyses. Psychological Science, 29(4), 549-571.
- Yeager, D. S., Hanselman, P., Walton, G. M., et al. (2019). A national experiment reveals where a growth mindset improves achievement. Nature, 573(7774), 364-369.
- Shaywitz, B. A., et al. (2004). Development of left occipitotemporal systems for skilled reading in children after a phonologically-based intervention. Biological Psychiatry.
- Perdue, M. V., et al. (2022). Systematic review and meta-analysis of reading intervention neuroimaging studies. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews.
