“It’s more fun to stay home.” That is the quick answer when a child will not get up for school. Some people go further and call it laziness. The Parenting with Impact podcast hosts say there is more to it. The clock is running. Work is waiting. Your own stomach is in a knot. Maybe you have stood in a bedroom doorway on a school morning, lost. You are in good company.
FROM THE VIDEO
Key moments from Parenting with Impact: School Refusal with Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster:
- 04:14Start by assuming there is a reason. The pull to avoid something at school has grown bigger than the pull to go.
- 15:04The first move is to check your own fear, so you partner with your child instead of pushing.
- 17:01The ACE tool: acknowledge, show compassion, wait, then explore. Save it for a calm moment.
Common questions from parents
Why does my child get a stomach ache every school morning?
Should I make my child go to school anyway?
What if my child will not tell me why they don’t want to go?
When should I get professional help for school refusal?
The school-morning stomach ache might be a virus. It might be stress. Four places to look when your child won't go, and the move to make first.
What is going on underneath when my child refuses school?
A stomach ache on a school morning might be a virus. It might also be stress showing up in the body. Plenty of children have no words for what is wrong. So the hosts, Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, start from one belief. Children want to do well. When one will not go, there is a reason.
Their way of saying it: the child is not out of motivation. The pull to avoid something at school has outgrown the pull to go. To us, that does not look like laziness. It looks like a child avoiding something that feels too hard. Your child isn’t broken. Something is hard for them, and it is real.
The hosts name four places to look:
- The work. They fell behind and now fear they will never catch up.
- Feelings. Fear of failing, shame, or a need to be perfect. One host’s child said, “If I haven’t done it, I haven’t done it wrong.”
- People. Bullying, a fight with friends, or a teacher who does not get them.
- The building. Bright lights, loud halls, crowds, and the strain of performing all day.
One more sits under all four. The hosts put it plainly. A child who feels unsafe is “not available for learning.” And that fear is not always without a reason. Worry and a hard school skill sometimes show up together. Our page on telling worry apart from a learning difficulty walks through the difference.
To us, a child who will not go to school is avoiding something that feels too hard.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
What should I do first on a morning my child will not go?
Start with yourself. Diane Dempster calls it “check your stuff.” How much of the morning is your own fear? Late for work again. A call from the school. That pressure is real. It still gets in the way. Your child, the hosts say, needs you as a partner to solve the problem. Partnering is hard while you are pushing someone out the door.
Researchers Grolnick and Pomerantz (2022) wrote about how parents help with school. Help goes wrong, they write, when it turns into pressure. Pressure means demands, threats, guilt, or solving the problem for the child. They name three things that push a parent there. A child who is struggling is one. A deadline is another. The third is a parent’s own feelings riding on how the child does. They also note that struggling children feel controlling help the most, not the least.
Two honest limits. The effects in this research are small. And it is about helping with schoolwork, not school refusal. Still, it points the same way the hosts do. This is not a call to step back. It is a call to connect first. Noticing pressure is a skill, and it is one you learn. Worried about grades too? Our post on whether to push or ease the pressure goes deeper.
Getting help for yourself counts too. One mom they work with keeps a sitter on call for the hardest mornings. She still gets to work, and her child is not alone. Our infographic on how to stay steady as a parent has more ideas.
Key takeaways
- The stomach ache is a clue: It might be a virus, or school stress showing up in the body.
- Four places to look: Schoolwork, feelings, people at school, and the lights and noise of the building.
- Connect before you push: Children who are struggling feel controlling help the most, not the least.
How do I talk to my child about not wanting to go?
Pick a calm time, not the middle of a standoff. The hosts warn that children notice when we are not being genuine. Then try the tool they call ACE:
- Acknowledge. Say out loud that today looks like a hard day to go.
- Compassion. Let them know it makes sense. Some days you want to stay in bed too.
- Wait. Stop talking. Give them room.
- Explore. Look at the problem together.
What parents tend to say instead, the hosts note, skips all four. “Nobody wants to go to school, but you have to.” That tells a child they were not heard. If your child says “I don’t know,” offer some ideas. “Sometimes I don’t want to go because something feels hard. Sometimes it’s because I got embarrassed.” You give them words they did not have. Are there tears over the work itself? This page on big feelings and schoolwork helps.
Some families agree ahead of time on when missing a day is okay. One host’s family gave each child one mental health day a semester. Then a hard morning is a known step, not a surprise fight.
Keep one more thing in view. Going to school and being a learner are not the same thing. One host told her son she was impressed. He “didn’t let school get in the way of his education.” A hard season at school does not mean your child stopped caring about learning.
Some signs call for more help. Is fear growing, and not easing? Talk with your child’s doctor or a mental health specialist. Ask about an evaluation. For worry in children, the CDC names that talk as the first step. Do the same for a stomach ache or headache that keeps coming back.
Going to school and being a learner are not the same thing.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
We believe a child who refuses school is telling you something true. The old script calls for a firmer push and never looks underneath. Nobody will ever advocate for your child as hard as you will. If schoolwork is part of it, a free screener asks what you see. It does not diagnose; only a professional evaluation gets an IEP or 504 plan. Start with the Learning Difficulties Analysis.
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