A girl who loved reading could not finish a math task in class. Everyone else was done, and she felt confused and ashamed. Today she is Dr. Brennan Whitley, a psychologist who assesses children for dyscalculia. If math brings tears at your house, you are not alone. Your child isn’t broken; their brain is learning differently.
The Journey to Understanding Dyscalculia
Dr. Brennan Whitley’s personal experience with dyscalculia inspired her to write a book that could help children and their families navigate this learning difference. She noticed a significant gap in resources for younger children, particularly those in elementary school. Her book, “The Defa and Me,” uses a playful narrative and engaging illustrations to explain dyscalculia in a way that children can relate to. This resource is crucial for parents who are seeking to help their children understand and cope with their challenges.
FROM THE VIDEO
Key moments from our interview on dyscalculia and big feelings, with psychologist and author Dr. Brennan Whitley:
Common questions from parents
Is it dyscalculia or math anxiety?
What should I say when my child says “I’m stupid” at math?
My child gets good math grades. Could they still be struggling?
Do I need a diagnosis before I help my child with math?
Your child says "I'm stupid" at math. A psychologist who found math hard as a child uses one word swap to put the problem outside the child.
What is your child feeling when math brings tears?
A math meltdown looks like a behavior problem. Many adults read it as not trying. To us, it looks like a child who is trying hard and feels ashamed. Dr. Whitley hears the same slide from so many children she works with. It starts as “this is hard.” It turns into “I’m stupid. I am the problem.”
That second step is the one to watch. When a child feels like the problem, Dr. Whitley says, there is no agency. Nothing feels like it is in their hands. She calls it the shame piece. It comes with a strong pull to hide. As a child, her own plan was to work extra hard. She hoped no one would notice.
One brain study points the same way. Young, Wu and Menon (2012) scanned children doing addition and subtraction. In children with more math worry, the brain’s threat response was more active. The areas used to reason through math were less active. It was one scan at one moment. It shows a link, not a cause. We read the panic as a feeling to meet, not a verdict on ability. Math worry and trouble with numbers are also two separate things. Our page on what math anxiety is and what helps explains the difference.
Let the math be the problem, and let yourself be the teammate.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
What do you say when your child says “I’m stupid” at math?
Dr. Whitley moves the problem outside the child. In her picture book, math trouble becomes a made-up monster, the Defa. The child is no longer the problem. The child is having a problem with math.
That small change gives the child a relationship with the problem, she says. In her words, there is more agency in that. A child who has a problem finds it easier to ask for help. They notice when the problem gets bigger or smaller. And they bring in a teammate against it. That teammate is you. Here is how to try it tonight:
- When your child says “I’m stupid,” answer: “This math problem is being tricky. Let’s look at it together.”
- Ask when the problem feels bigger, and when it feels smaller.
- Ask what it needs: a break, a drawing, or a new way in.
- Give the problem a silly name, like the Defa. It gives your child something to talk back to.
Keep your voice calm. Tonight, the goal is the feeling, not the answer. The math will still be there tomorrow, and so will you.
Some people call a learning difference a gift. We would not lead with that. Dr. Whitley names the hard part first, and the strengths second. Your child’s strengths are real, and they are their own. Find them in this child, not on a list. Strengths that grow out of a hard road are earned. They are not a prize for the struggle. Need words for the moment? See four ways to help with big feelings after school.
Key takeaways
- Shame, not misbehavior: To us, math tears look like a child who feels like the problem.
- Move the problem outside: "I'm having a problem with math" gives your child room to act.
- Watch the method: Fingers, dots and tally marks tell you more than the grade does.
Why do good grades hide a math struggle?
In the interview, the host notes that many school tests check only the answer. A child finds some way to that answer, and the score looks fine. Dr. Whitley agrees. In her words, “the process is everything.”
So watch how your child gets there. When she assesses a child, Dr. Whitley looks at the method. She watches for counting on fingers, drawing dots, or making tally marks. A child using these still reaches the right answer, by a slower road. To us, a passing grade does not settle the question.
This is how capable kids get missed. The host’s own daughter is one example. Teachers kept saying, “She’s a great student. There’s no worries.” Dr. Whitley says these kids make up the gap with extra time and stress. That means long hours of homework, and worry about timed math. Dr. Whitley meets so many bright, creative kids who think they are not smart. She calls these sticky beliefs, and they set in without anyone noticing. That is the “I’m stupid” from earlier, arriving by a quieter road. In our view, help waits until a child struggles enough to be noticed. That is a wait-to-fail system. Your child is the one who lives with the wait. We wrote more about children who wait years for anyone to look.
Tonight, ask your child, “Show me how you got that.” Write down what you see. You saw it first. Trust that.
A passing grade tells you the answer was right, not how your child got there.
Laura Lurns · Learning Success expert
You want your child to meet math as someone with a problem to solve. A system that waits for failure before it helps stands in the way. Waiting has never taught a child math. Teaching does. The free screener asks what you have seen, and it does not diagnose. Start with the free dyscalculia screener.
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Why we use AI, plainly: it writes from a knowledge base our team maintains and audits. We work through it line by line and pull anything the evidence stops supporting. The roadmap you get on Tuesday reflects what we corrected on Monday, and a human still reads it before you do.
Your school district must evaluate your child free of charge if you ask in writing, whatever your income and whatever the outcome (US, 34 CFR 300.111 and 300.301(b)). That route takes time and answers a different question than you do. This one starts today, from what you already know.
Your answers stay yours. We do not sell your personal information, and we do not hand identifiable assessment data to outside AI companies to train their models.
A screener is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If your child might need formal accommodations (an IEP or 504 plan), or you suspect a vision, hearing or medical cause, pursue a professional evaluation too. That is the only route to those supports.
